11th October 2021
Opinion pieces are the view of the author and in no way reflects the view of the Liverpool Guild Student Media or Liverpool Guild of Students.
From broken-glued-together Nativity sets, to Grannies’ obsessions with their candles, there are so many things that make us definitively Catholic. I mean, who else eats colossal amounts of fish and chips on a Friday evening and justifies it as ‘religious expression’?! We’re quite the mad bunch and we do have some pretty odd quirks, so here, I’ve compiled a list of all the relatable things that Bind us Together (Lord) and make us so ardently and distinctively Catholic…
The Beyoncé of the Catholic-Sphere, the ORIGINAL Madonna and unlike the 1980s phony, it’s safe to say that our Madonna would definitely have been more favourable of Preaching to our Papa. We Catholics Just Can’t Get Enough of Mary and we sure as heck make it clear with our statues, prayers and paintings that ensure we definitely Don’t Stop Believin’ (okay, I promise that’s the last of the 1980s-hits references).
Honestly, where on earth are we meant to find the time to say a whole SIX Our Fathers and FIFTY-THREE Hail Mary’s at a prayerful pace?!
Is this the eighth one…Wait…what- GLORY BE TO THE FATHER, AND TO THE SON… *pretends everything’s fine*
Seriously, God must be thinking we took the piss with his whole ‘Go Forth and Multiply’ teaching. What ever happened to just simply turning on the heating???
“ROLL UP ROLL UP we’ve got rosaries in l i t e r a l l y every colour, shape and size.”
“JESUS!… was a good man.” “SHIT-tzu dogs are my fave xxxx’
NEWSFLASH: ‘Kumbaya’, AIN’T one of them. We’re more akin to absolute bangers like ‘Bread of Heaven’, ‘How Great Thou Art’ or the Primary School classic ‘Morning Has Broken’. All Top-Notch Tunes ammirite?
Likeee for real, I only came for the hot cross buns…
*cue glares from Mother*
And at least a further 15 random bottles of the stuff lying around the house
‘Our Father, who aren’t in heaven, Halloween be Thy Name…’, ‘And may petrol light shine upon them’ and ‘ever this day, be at my size’.
“CIAO crucifix, ADIOS Sacred Heart of Jesus, CYA L8R Parish Newsletter stuck on the fridge”. This was always followed by an absolute bollocking off the madre and padre when they eventually found their beloved artefacts shoved to the back of the cupboard under the fish tank…
“St. Anthony, I’ve unfortunately lost my bank card in McCooley’s…again. I know I said that that would be the last time I ever got that drunk, but I PROMISE if you get it for me this time, I’ll pursue a life of sobriety now and forevermore. Amen.”
Can we not just hug it out instead?!
Whether it be the dress, the novelty of wearing slightly heeled shoes or the fact that we got to drink WINE (Ooh la la!) we were all BUZZIN for this day. Gotta admit though, the tasteless wafer bread and the musky sweet wine were QUITE the let-down.
“If I’m going out on the lash this Saturday, I’m wearing that low-cut V-neck dress, then I might as well save confession for next week after my immoral escapade.”
“Don’t worry pet, I’ve lit 15 candles in each of the diocese’s churches and Patricia’s having Fr. George say a mass for you every day this week.”
(Even if one of the shepherd’s heads is stuck on with a piece of blue-tac and the baby Jesus is armless, no one will notice…)
Genuinely – the guy could be a convicted serial killer, but if he wears his rosary beads and says his prayers, our mother-dearests really couldn’t care less
Mark Wahlberg – ILY XOXOXO
WATCH OUT for: lecture rooms; cinemas and theatres. And remember, if it happens, Keep Calm and Carry On. It’s all about the recovery.
Yassssss! That’s at least 20 minutes shaved off our total mass-time – SWAHEEEET!!!
…sorry God we luv u REALLY xxx